Sunday, June 3, 2007

Day???

It is Monday morning at 6:33am and I was awake half of the night! This is going to be my venting blog-I am allowed to vent -I think!!!

I am having thoughts and dreams about being healthy-which is great. But you know when your driving or listening to a song and for a split second, dreams and thoughts are real?? For me it happens then-for you, maybe it does happen this way or it happens at a different time. I was dreaming of having a wife and kids and being happy. That is the key to life, I think-being happy, with who you are and who your with and what you stand for-principles!!

So I am listening to my IPOD and dreaming away-still awake-my mind racing with all these thoughts and plans I have when I am healthy and BOOM it hits me like a freight train. What ifs!!!! See, I have to play the devil's advocate because the reality of my situation-the odds are against me! BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY-ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME, KNOWS I LOVE TO HAVE MY BACK UP AGAINST A WALL. I want the ball or puck when life is on the line! A family member reminded me through an email last night that when I was 13 the doctors said, I would never play contact sports again. I had broken my leg in 3 places. Well, I proved them wrong and I intend to do to do the same here. But some days I am inside my own head-which is not good for me, but it happens.

Getting back to the what if's:
What if I never get married becuase I am sick
what if I never have kids
What if next Christmas is my last one
What if I never put a pair of skates on again
What if What if What if??????????????????

Please don't take this as me being down-I AM NOT. But it is good to get your fears out there-and I am not one to where my emotions on my sleeve. So, through my writing, I get these fears out and then I feel better. Sort of like a weight has been lifted. Hey, listen, I have great, good, okay and bad days-just like everyone else. But my fears hit home because of my situation.

Don't get me wrong, being here in China and getting treatment-(by the way I have my second stem cell treatment today via I.V. instead of in my spine-they say ALS patients sometimes respond better with an I.V. So around 4am your time in your sub-conscience pray that this will work)-I have renewed hope being in China and seeing the progress made here by the docs and the patients. I do!!

That was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. For all to read! If all my blogs were great or positive I would be lying to you. I need to clear my plate every once in awhile.

But on a better note-Andra and I went to "Splendid China" to learn more about Chinese culture. It was informative and hot. But worth it. In my last post I said I was going to Lo Hou to shop. Well, this was not like the Stamford town center. This was 6 floors of shear chaos. All of the stores have basically the same stuff-so competition is fierce! I had guys and ladies grabbing my shirt, almost dragging me into there stores. They mostly have knock-offs-mostly for the ladies . I lasted two hours and came home with a pair of shoes for 23us dollars!

I love china! The people are curious about westerners and they love to smile. They are the hardest working people I have ever seen. They have outside our window in the parking lot, woman all night cutting slate for the driveway!! Andra and I went to massage parlor(guys-not that kind). They wash your hair and clean your ears and then give and hour massage. All for the equivalent 3.50US. We have been there twice. I have met the most wonderful people. Remember, I told you about Boris-the legendary soccer player from Russia. He has ALS and talks like me. So him and I have clearly bonded. He has touched my heart in so many ways. Well, him and I go to dinner last night. I order mine he orders his-there is not a lot of conversation going-if you know what I mean!! But he sees that I can't cut my steak because Of my hand being affected by ALS. He gets up and leans over and cuts it for me. This-a burly guy from Russia-not even thinking about it-he just did it. That is the type of people here. The love that goes around here is amazing!

Well I have rambled for sometime now and I have spent he ten minutes with my hand on the "publish post". So here goes.................................................More pics to come tonight!!

Love and thanks for the continued support!
Drew

13 comments:

PS said...

Keep going brotha, you have every right to vent, question, and have good and bad days, It's part of the healing proccess.

I'm sponsoring an event next month in the Hampton's called Love Heals..It's a charity for sick children. The name of the event could be more true. You've got the love and support and the healing is on it's way.

Stay Strong

Tell Borris What up from Vegas : )

dayann said...

you'll be alright.... keep positive. we're going to send all of our positive energy EAST from 4am on!!!!what if's can be scary drew... feel it,then breathe...leave them behind for as long as you can and have HOPE... you are going to be better we know it.
p.s. i know plenty of chicks that'll marry you-you're HOT!!!!
love
dayann

P & P said...

You are an inspiration to all of us and are doing great! "Clear your plate" whenever it moves you. Don't worry about getting married.... it is my understanding that half of the "ladies" in Lourdes are after you. Your friend Boris sounds like a real "stand-up" guy.

courtney said...

hey dreww, just checking in, glad to see you like china so much, but dont worry about all the what ifs because you can marry me when you come home, just kidding, im funny i know, anyway.. be happy, everythings gonna be fine, about that whole dream thing, i totally understand, did your mom tell you about the dream i had of you? you and i were talking and you were talking fineee, it was before the think on may 18th because i dreamt of it as if i went there to talk to you, soo i just thought you should know, theres a reason for dreams like that, you'll get better, keep your head up and keep having a good time <3

Adiela said...

Hi Drew, You wouldn't be human if you only had great days. This journal is a great outlet for you to express exactly what your feeling. We all want to hear the good stuff thats happening to you, but when you need to vent please do. I know that when Im having a rough time I feel better when there is someone to listen, and it seems like you have an abundance of people that are here to do that and offer some words of encouragement. I will be sending out a prayer to be delivered to you at 4am, good luck. FYI, I would cut your steak anytime! :)

Jonette said...

A lot of people go through life not being honest with themselves and so focused on small meaningless things. What you wrote was very real, very honest and VERY warranted. It feels good to be honest. Always wear your heart on your sleeve, there is no other way to live…it took ten minutes to publish, but Im glad you did. Do you know that sometimes it takes me a few minutes to publish, I think hmm did I say the right thing, what if it comes across the wrong way etc... never sensor, Keep it real.xo

Michele Somody said...

Hi Drew,
Thanks for the very honest and real blog. It's good to express your feelings no matter what they may be. You're allowed to have good and bad days and fears - just like we all do. The only difference is you are expressing your feelings while most of us keep it bottled up inside.

We are praying for you.
Keep the Faith!

Paula said...

Drew - You are allowed to vent and I hear you. It is a good thing to express your feelings (both good and bad). Your blog is very interesting. Try to zero in on the positive and high energy. Remember the Little Engine who Can. I'm sending you strength, love and prayers. Many people are praying for you! Paula

Kevin Sweeney said...

Hey Drew!

Cheryl sent over the link to your blog, so I'm beyond happy to be able to correspond with you! I think the last time we saw each other was at Billy's for Easter last year.

Just know that Terry and I are praying for you EVERY DAY without fail and thinking of you during this journey.

I had major back surgery last fall and despite some naysayers, I started skating again a few weeks ago. I plan on playing hockey again and have a new inspiration - that's YOU. Just know when I'm out on the ice, I'm skating for you too man! I remmeber our battles on the ice a few seasons ago - good memories and I think we each had a hat trick in one game! Love ya Drew and I will keep close tabs on your progress.

Kevin Sweeney

jenny said...

We love you Andrew and we are always sending you love and strength through our thoughts and prayers. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a liberating and honest way to live life. Venting is a natural part of your healing journey......
You and Boris were sent there at the same time to be each other's guardian angels. God Bless the both of you.

Anonymous said...

It is such an amzing gift from God to have us hope, dream and question our lives. I believe it is His way of letting us see what we need to see, and ultimately that He loves us enough to let us choose our paths. Your blog is amazingly real and shows the very nature of a human response to the unknown. May the prayers of those who care for you sustain you in the difficult and peaceful moments.
Christie
"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose the courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream"
Martin Luther King Jr

Anonymous said...

Drew,
Two pieces of advice:
1. Don't challenge anyone to ping pong or badmitton;
2. Don't get too cocky about the Sox--it's only early June!
--
Oh yeah, also don't forget that Rachel, John, Luke and I love you!

Nick said...

Hey Drew,

We continue to pray for you and pull for you! May God bless you richly!

Pastor Nick Uva
Harvest Time Church
Greenwich CT