It is Monday morning at 6:33am and I was awake half of the night! This is going to be my venting blog-I am allowed to vent -I think!!!
I am having thoughts and dreams about being healthy-which is great. But you know when your driving or listening to a song and for a split second, dreams and thoughts are real?? For me it happens then-for you, maybe it does happen this way or it happens at a different time. I was dreaming of having a wife and kids and being happy. That is the key to life, I think-being happy, with who you are and who your with and what you stand for-principles!!
So I am listening to my IPOD and dreaming away-still awake-my mind racing with all these thoughts and plans I have when I am healthy and BOOM it hits me like a freight train. What ifs!!!! See, I have to play the devil's advocate because the reality of my situation-the odds are against me! BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY-ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME, KNOWS I LOVE TO HAVE MY BACK UP AGAINST A WALL. I want the ball or puck when life is on the line! A family member reminded me through an email last night that when I was 13 the doctors said, I would never play contact sports again. I had broken my leg in 3 places. Well, I proved them wrong and I intend to do to do the same here. But some days I am inside my own head-which is not good for me, but it happens.
Getting back to the what if's:
What if I never get married becuase I am sick
what if I never have kids
What if next Christmas is my last one
What if I never put a pair of skates on again
What if What if What if??????????????????
Please don't take this as me being down-I AM NOT. But it is good to get your fears out there-and I am not one to where my emotions on my sleeve. So, through my writing, I get these fears out and then I feel better. Sort of like a weight has been lifted. Hey, listen, I have great, good, okay and bad days-just like everyone else. But my fears hit home because of my situation.
Don't get me wrong, being here in China and getting treatment-(by the way I have my second stem cell treatment today via I.V. instead of in my spine-they say ALS patients sometimes respond better with an I.V. So around 4am your time in your sub-conscience pray that this will work)-I have renewed hope being in China and seeing the progress made here by the docs and the patients. I do!!
That was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. For all to read! If all my blogs were great or positive I would be lying to you. I need to clear my plate every once in awhile.
But on a better note-Andra and I went to "Splendid China" to learn more about Chinese culture. It was informative and hot. But worth it. In my last post I said I was going to Lo Hou to shop. Well, this was not like the Stamford town center. This was 6 floors of shear chaos. All of the stores have basically the same stuff-so competition is fierce! I had guys and ladies grabbing my shirt, almost dragging me into there stores. They mostly have knock-offs-mostly for the ladies . I lasted two hours and came home with a pair of shoes for 23us dollars!
I love china! The people are curious about westerners and they love to smile. They are the hardest working people I have ever seen. They have outside our window in the parking lot, woman all night cutting slate for the driveway!! Andra and I went to massage parlor(guys-not that kind). They wash your hair and clean your ears and then give and hour massage. All for the equivalent 3.50US. We have been there twice. I have met the most wonderful people. Remember, I told you about Boris-the legendary soccer player from Russia. He has ALS and talks like me. So him and I have clearly bonded. He has touched my heart in so many ways. Well, him and I go to dinner last night. I order mine he orders his-there is not a lot of conversation going-if you know what I mean!! But he sees that I can't cut my steak because Of my hand being affected by ALS. He gets up and leans over and cuts it for me. This-a burly guy from Russia-not even thinking about it-he just did it. That is the type of people here. The love that goes around here is amazing!
Well I have rambled for sometime now and I have spent he ten minutes with my hand on the "publish post". So here goes.................................................More pics to come tonight!!
Love and thanks for the continued support!