Sunday, December 2, 2007

A HODGE PODGE OF RAMBLINGS

December 2, 2007

I awoke to my blackberry buzzing at 4:12am. It was a friend sending me words of encouragement and love-I would wake up to that every morning, if I could. We went to the wholesale shopping building (different than the one last week) this morning. I lasted an hour-all women’s stuff-knockoffs of everything you can imagine. What I like is the negotiation. They have these calculators and they hand it to you w/ a number and you hand it back w/ a number and thus begins the art of negotiation-usually you can get them to halve the price. But sometimes you walk away and they chase you. The women here love it.

Same day 12:19 am CAN’T SLEEP

WE ALL WENT TO THE SHERATON TONIGHT FOR DINNER-ME, ANDRA, MOM, DIANA, FERLITA, SUNEEL, BRIAN, THOMAS, RYAN AND DONNA. IT WAS GREAT TO GET OUT AND HAVE A REAL MEAL. WE HAD A LOT OF LAUGHS AND SMILES AND PICTURES.

I WRESTLED W/THE IDEA OF POSTING THIS BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS! AND I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.

HERE GOES:



I’M VERY EMOTIONAL THE PAST FEW DAYS. IT TOOK A LOT OUT OF ME TO RE-WRITE THE QUESTION-WHAT IS IT LIKE TO LIVE W/ ALS. I GUESS FOR THE REASON OF KNOWING THAT THIS CHALLENGE IS GOING TO TEST MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL STATE AND HOW MUCH HEART I HAVE. AND THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. IF IT IS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ME, IT DOES NOT END WELL! MY MENTAL STATE AND MY HEART ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE. IT’S THE PHYSICAL I’M MOST WORRIED ABOUT. HAVING TO RELY ON ANYONE IS SOMETHING I KNOW I WON’T GET USED TO AND ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME KNOWS I HATE TO ASK FOR HELP. I JUST DO-SORRY.



IT’S A HARSH WAKE UP CALL WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE THAT IS FARTHER ALONG IN THEIR DISEASE AND YOU KNOW YOUR JOURNEY IS MOST LIKELY HEADED THAT WAY. I CAN BELIEVE TILL THE COWS COME HOME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. BUT THAT DOES NOT GUARANTEE ANYTHING. MAKE NO MISTAKE MY ATTITUDE AND HEART ARE NEVER IN QUESTION-I’M JUST A REALIST AND EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE I GET THIS SICK FEELING THAT THIS NOT GOING TO TURN OUT WELL. SO THE BEST THING I CAN DO IS PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER AND LET IT ALL HANG OUT. THIS IS MY THERAPY. THIS IS ME UN-FILTERED. THANKS FOR LISTENING-IT’S NOW 12:50AM AND MY BED IS CALLING.

2 comments:

Mikey said...

I could say a lot. Im just going to tell you that I am praying for you.

doris (PT) said...

it's okay to feel that way...i would too if i were in your shoes...let it all out